Afflicted by a bout of the Crazies

Well there it is, I think I might actually be mad.

A persons mental state is so hard to gage, the complexities of the human mind are by nature subjective, so how does one define insanity? Admittedly eating pebbles or thinking you are the Dali Lama when in fact you are a supermarket checkout slave is a pretty good indication. But what if you do nothing overtly strange and yet feel like the ground is swallowing you up, like something is sucking at your very existence and willing you to scream at the most inopportune of times?

Lately I feel like I have no control over myself, like everything I aspire to be is beyond my grasp. In a world filled with horrors and suffering how is it possible for someone with so much to feel so low? I have roof over my head, I have a genuinely amazing boyfriend and a perfectly adequate job.

I think it would be fair to say that there has been some fucked up shit in my life thus far, but in all honesty who can't!! Furthermore I think that my life is comparatively good. Nonetheless, and in an attempt to fulfill the brief outlined in "the Beginning" I shall spill my heart beginning with the thing that saddens me most. What happened to this boy is so very, very unfair:

My eldest brother is severely mentally handicapped. His name is Marcus and he is basically a 6 year old trapped inside a 29 year olds body. The cause of his impairment is ironically a much disputed and yet never discussed topic.

My father insists that he was born pretty much as he is today. My Mother insists that he was born "normal". FACT: One day when Marcus was 4 he fell off a swing in a park, he cracked his head open and spent the following three years in and out of Great Ormond St Hospital. He had to learn how to walk again, talk again, he went almost completely deaf, gained the gift that is epilepsy and lost himself and his family. Overnight his little brother became his big brother and his unborn baby sister became his future guardian.

Three years later when I was about 8 months old Dad left. This was not in the least bit traumatic for me, hell I was a baby, but he left behind him three children and a now single mother.

I used to think that it was a test and that when I was 18 or something everyone would turn round and tell me that none of it was real. That he was fine and we were fine, but of course that never happened. He lived at home until he was about nine years old (I think) and then went into care. He is now in a residential home in Western-Super-Mare and takes a daily concoction of drugs that look like they could kill a horse.

When I was young I asked Mum why Dad left, the answer has echoed round my head ever since: "you're father left because he made me choose, either Marcus went or he did" I don't know it that was ever said, but if it was................... can you imagine?!! Being asked to choose between your husband and your child - by the very person that is supposed to protect you both? To me this is so messed up it's beyond comprehension. His resulting departure tells the choice my mother made.

When people ask my Dad now, and he only has two sons - Patrick and Sean (my little Half Brother). It would seam that the retard is no longer welcome. Well I hope that he burns at your heart Richard I hope that you know what a disgusting person you are.

When I speak to Marcus on the phone and go and see him he always asks after the man who hasn'’t spoken to or about him in at least 8 years. It breaks my heart. I know (as I'm sure we all do) how strong the feeling of being wanted is. I know how desperately Marcus wants his Dad to love him, to want to go and see him. The amount of birthday cards I have given to Marcus under the guise of Richard and the smiles they have brought to this outwardly grotesque boy's face are testament enough of that.

I'm sorry to vent at any unsuspecting passer by, but i wont dampen the importance of this by ending with some half hearted witty comment. If I did it would rob my brother, and a very special person of the recognition he so muchley deserves.