Falling

Currently listening to "Goodbye my Lover" (James Blunt) this guy really has got it!!!

I have just been to that website linked above and how beautiful?!! I really wish that life were more magical..... That squirrels could talk, that you left glitter footsteps where you walked, and could float in a bubble filled skies.

But perhaps our world is more magical than I give it credit for: flowers, fish - yes, fish are very magical. When I dove the Great Barrier Reef I was overwhelmed at the beauty and intrigue of everything around me. In fact that is the closest I have been to my ideal world.

Forget the beauty of the fish and the coral, there is something so enchanting about being submerged in a completely alien environment. That world offered me complete silence, and escapism. I don't know about you but I can say hand on hart that I think too much, way too much.


This fact makes me cripplingly irritable. I know it may sound absurd but I honestly can't help it. You know, I haven't always been this way..... When I was a teenager, just left home, I was so laid back, one day, one minute at a time. If I didn't enjoy something I'd stop doing it, if I were bored I would go out and find some amusement. Now I sit in my house stewing, wishing I weren’t such a looser, wishing I had more energy, wishing I had a better job, wishing my family and peers respected me more, wishing I respected me more.

I'm too scared to finish a piece of art, textile or jewellery in case it is rubbish. Hey if I don’t finish it, its not crap and worthless........... It’s just not finished!! Completely absolved of all responsibility and accountability........... After all, if I finished it, it would be perfect - I have just chosen not to.

I fain stupidity and spout bollocks about Unicorns and CareBears rather than have a sensible conversation based on real events, well formulated opinions derived from real life.

I sit at home waiting for it to be too late to go out. Like to a party, I wait and wait and wait until it is too late to attend, and then get really pissed off at my self for not going.

Does everyone have such panic in their heads? Have such a fear of failure? And if I can identify these ridiculous preoccupations and walls I erect, why am I seemingly completely unable to alter my behaviour?


Even my truest of friends would describe me as grounded, brave, strong, fun, full of life, confident, cleaver, interesting..... But I don't feel like that today, today I feel stupid and I don't know why.

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