Life and Death and Life Again....

Life is amazing. I know what you’re thinking… She’s on a high again, full of life, energy, enthusiasm and hope….. It’s only a matter of time before she spirals, like leaves falling from the autumn tree, into a dark place that will almost, but not quite consume her.

Well I know myself well enough to know that I can offer you, nor I, no guarantee that that won’t happen…. But there is something different in me now. The time for self-indulgent, introspective, musing is over. I can’t say that I’m happy about it, I have genuinely enjoyed the past 24 years of complaining and feeling hard done by….. but alas the inevitable – time to grow up.

My Granny died on the 29^th October 2005. It is something that almost everyone experiences… their Grand Parent’s funeral. This was the first I have been to and it got me. Apart form the obvious upset there was something very humbling about it. The passing of a woman who was frail and riddled with pain evoked a strange collection of emotions. Injustice – that my Granny had been ripped from my family and me. Of course there is no injustice in it at all. We are dying from the moment we are born, as I sit here typing I am decaying, my eyesight worsening.

And whilst I am dieing, I am growing a baby…. Giving life to another human being!! That's right I, Miss Siobhan Myles and Mr Andrew Blackburn are going to have a baby!!

At the time the first couple of paragraphs were written I had just come back from Ireland and was unaware of my impending child!! Just two days after I got back Andy and I took a test. And there it was, like a soldering iron to the eye, grenadine in ice (reference from my bar days) or a dead shark in your drive way….. unmistakable, hard hitting and unavoidable!! A huge VERY dark pink dot…. In the positive window…. It turns out that the "stick o’news" is impervious to staring, shaking, turning over and ignoring…. It just stays the same – positive!!

It is indescribable this whole thing. There was a flurry of emotions from both of us initially…. We had said a few days previously that if I were to be pregnant it wouldn’t be the end of the world. But how different things are when … well they are different.

The fact that we had said that made me feel pressured into feeling elated and calm, truth be told I was terrified and really very detached. Then I felt guilty for not feeling the way I thought I should. We’re talking in a day here – all these emotions flying thorough my head, none staying long enough to be considered but like a flash from a camera, lasting just long enough to leave an impression.

There was talking and some crying and some laughing and here I am 2 months later…. 13.5 weeks pregnant. Elated doesn’t even come close to how I feel now. This isn’t all about me and bump though, Andy is over the moon too. I can only really speak for my self here, on my blog, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t realise the hugeness of this for other people, particularly you Andy. If I could climb inside your mind and know how you feel I would. But I can’t. So I’ll sit and talk about me some more as usual.

Allow me to introduce to you the most wonderful person in the world.... Baby Blackburn/Myles...... I will save the details as they can all be found here:

www.wealllovericehere.blogspot.com

This is a separate Blog dedicated solely to the development of our little baby…. Something which might not be of any interest to some of you. It also serves a couple of other important purposes.

During pregnancy I have found that sometimes I don’t really feel like I exist as an individual. I have never liked being anything other than me. Even in relationships... I hate this idea of being half of someone else. I want to be me – as a whole, who is ALSO in a relationship with someone. Every part of my body belongs to me, every opinion I have is mine and I am entitled to it, the prospect of relationship censorship is horrible to me!!

So anyway yes, I sometimes feel a bit like I have to share everything. My body, my energy and I think that keeping this space for me and what I think is paramount if I want to maintain some kind of individuality.

It is also important for the baby. I don’t want to ebb into his/her right to be documented and have time and words dedicated exclusively to him/her. I think that it would be unfair to dilute the importance of this persons little life record with anecdotes of my working day.

So waffle aside, the above link is to our baby's Blog.

Wow that was exhausting!!

Other events have been in abundance. I haven’t really felt like writing while I have been harbouring a secret as life changing as I have, and as a consequence there is lots to up date you on.

But for now i shall leave you with this little beauty... he's a golden tail eel!!