The Never Ending Contradiction That Is Me

Life is amazing. I know what you’re thinking… She’s on a high again, full of life, energy, enthusiasm and hope….. It’s only a matter of time before she spirals, like leaves falling from the autumn tree, into a dark place that will almost, but not quite consume her. Well I know myself well enough to know that I can offer you, nor I, no guarantee that that won’t happen…. But there is something different in me now. The time for self-indulgent, introspective, musing is over. I can’t say that I’m happy about it, I have genuinely enjoyed the past 24 years of complaining and feeling hard done by….. but alas the inevitable – time to grow up. My Granny died on the 29 th October 2005. It is something that almost everyone experiences… their Grand Parent’s funeral. This was the first I have been to and it got me. Apart form the obvious upset there was something very humbling about it. The passing of a woman who was frail and riddled with pain evoked a strange collection of emoti...

What follows is an e-mail I sent to Andy quite a while ago, just in the process of sorting out my mailbox and came across it – thought you might fancy a giggle…………… "Shiv goes away for the long weekend and chills out, she has a fantastic time and enjoys being able to spend so much time with her sexy boyfriend (who she loves wholeheartedly). It's the longest time they have spent together and after a while all the angst that had been building between them disappears. It seamed to Shiv that this was because they weren't pissy and annoyed with each other but at their annoying lives. In fact the more time they spent together the more in love Shiv fell. ****Shiv is digressing and will stop............. So anyway after above mentioned chilled and faith restoring weekend of blissful rest and *censored* Shiv must return to work. She is surprisingly enthusiastic about this and gets up early in anticipation. Time is spent faffing and ironing, she plays with the cats a...

Fear yee not oh imaginary one(s), dead I am not. Pissed off yes but not dead. I'm sure that those bloggers amongst you will feel my pain when I say that (like a muppet admittedly) I had already written the majority of what was to be this post, but when I returned today to finish the master piece off - it was....... GONE!!! ~Why OH why didn't I listen to the God that is Firefox before "closing all 5 tabs"? It goes without saying of course that it was about as genius as it gets but as it is no more I shall start again. Well, the lack of Shiv time is not the result of any huge trauma, simply a lack of time. My all knowing, trustworthy, professional employer took it upon them selves to make about the third of my company redundant - luckily for Lloyd (s TSB) I was not one of the fortunate few (hut hum, I mean unfortunate few). This has made my job much more demanding on my time. Initially this was a good thing, plenty to do, much more stimulating - at one point I think I...

I think that an apology is in order…… in fact there is no think about it. My previous post was a little vindictive, and in hindsight regrettable. Rather than make amendments and/or delete comments I feel the following is warranted: Mr X, you are absolutely right. I offer my unreserved apologies to those whom I may have caused unwarranted offence. It was not my intention to get so personal, perhaps I still have not out grown my child faze. What would my mother say!! Sincerely……….. I am sorry for my uncalled for, rude actions I tell you one thing that has changed since childhood: that feeling of guilt is harder to shake these days. Remember when you could run around, steal your best mates toy, trip her up and all would be forgiven with a single “sorry”? Well take it from me, it doesn’t work any more.

Look at the lovely Dolphin........... I live right on the beach, and my boyfriend, his family, my little Bro and I were having a BBQ there the other day, and what do you know!!! There in the sea is a dead Freeking Dolphin!!! Belly up dead. Well anyhoo... You know when you do things that you know you are gonna regret??! Well this is one of those occasions! - Andy and I were swimming when we saw the dolphin coming, like a fool I decide that we really ought to go and investigate this fascinating dead flipper. So up we swim, and circle the dolphin. It really was very disturbing. Do you have any idea how much that freaked me out? - yuck. Then later that same day as we are chilling on the sand. People begin to gather (being lazy bastards) we send the children to investigate. Yep, some reprobate has brought the dolphin in on his canoe and every one is just standing there staring and prodding at the corpse. THEN some freak just picks him up and chucks it in the bin. I mean honestly, does that...

The truth of life is that it is complicated. Relationships (of all types), economics, politics, career development the lot. But what is important is that you do your best to be your best in every possible respect. I am a firm believer in nothing, so please forgive any contradictions that are found in the musing that follows. As the title of this blog suggests......... it is inevitable :) So on the subject of doing your best. It could be said that to murder someone in the most brutal way possible would be to do your best. To inflict the maximum level of mental distress on an enemy is to do your best. With this in mind what are the additional criteria by which one should regulate their conduct? Well it would be logical to rule out inflicting harm on others. But what if a man with a knife has your child and the only way to save her is to shoot the man? Does that count? - it would sure as shit hurt to be shot so it is inflicting harm. So OK you can bend the rules depending on the situa...

Currently listening to "Goodbye my Lover" ( James Blunt ) this guy really has got it!!! I have just been to that website linked above and how beautiful?!! I really wish that life were more magical..... That squirrels could talk, that you left glitter footsteps where you walked, and could float in a bubble filled skies. But perhaps our world is more magical than I give it credit for: flowers, fish - yes, fish are very magical. When I dove the Great Barrier Reef I was overwhelmed at the beauty and intrigue of everything around me. In fact that is the closest I have been to my ideal world. Forget the beauty of the fish and the coral, there is something so enchanting about being submerged in a completely alien environment. That world offered me complete silence, and escapism. I don't know about you but I can say hand on hart that I think too much, way too much. This fact makes me cripplingly irritable. I know it may sound absurd but I honestly can't help it. You...

Have A Lovely Weekend

Yep, that's right folks, I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Ireland! Before you groan in exasperation at the inconsequential nature of my Blog, let me assure you that I have not mentioned it simply to furnish you with an itinerary the length of a prize winning marrow. Oh no my invisible friend (if there is even one of you) I have mentioned it because my job is so insanely boring that I would rather waffle on at you than stare into the nothingless web, waiting for someone to make a mistake that I have to fix - although having said that I think it would be fair to say that I aint gonna have to wait long!! Muppets!! Mind you I call them muppets, I have become so drained of mental stimulation I am soon gonna look like this: Chained to my Plastic lacquered, plywood desk answering stupid peoples, stupid questions. God I had such high hopes for my future. People are always talking about the dangers of under nurturing children. Not giving them enough encouragement, not...

Well after my very full on rant last time I thought it time to lighten the mood. One day Shiv went back to Bristol to see her friends, whilst there she thought to her self........ I know what, today I'll get me hair cut - a normal enough thing to decide to do I think you would agree? This decision came not too long after a rather enjoyable lunch with some friends fuelled by a generous helping of vino etc. So off Shivers goes to the hair dresser. She sits there, has a glass of wine in the swanky reception and then goes and talks with her stylists. I go through the colouring I want done, we agree on three blonds and a brown - all perfectly standard. Colourist goes and the stylist turns up. Hello I toot, we discuss my hair and I am VERY clear that what I would like is a simple trim, I like my hair the way it is!! She agrees to this and fucks off. All is going completely to plan. I have the dye put on my hair, the usual burning sensation ensues, eyes going blurry - I like it. I get giv...

Well there it is, I think I might actually be mad . A persons mental state is so hard to gage, the complexities of the human mind are by nature subjective, so how does one define insanity? Admittedly eating pebbles or thinking you are the Dali Lama when in fact you are a supermarket checkout slave is a pretty good indication. But what if you do nothing overtly strange and yet feel like the ground is swallowing you up, like something is sucking at your very existence and willing you to scream at the most inopportune of times? Lately I feel like I have no control over myself, like everything I aspire to be is beyond my grasp. In a world filled with horrors and suffering how is it possible for someone with so much to feel so low? I have roof over my head, I have a genuinely amazing boyfriend and a perfectly adequate job. I think it would be fair to say that there has been some fucked up shit in my life thus far, but in all honesty who can't!! Furthermore I think that my life is comp...

Thought it might be an idea to spruce the Blog up a little, and what better way than with a happy dragon!!! :) Just as a warning to those of you who don’t know me well (if there is indeed ANYONE reading this), it is pictures like this that will dominate this place. I am a true believer in escapism, so if you have come here for political enlightenment, mental taxation or a word of sense I suggest you "Next Blog" the hell out outa here. In fact while I'm here (and given that I can’t get a picture up on my profile yet) perhaps a photo of me might be in order: Just so we're clear, I don’t always wear enough makeup to suffocate a whale and hang around with trannies (see bald mascara applying man on the right). This was taken during a production ("Lovie" for local Panto) of Sleeping Beauty. In which I played the beauty herself no less :) I got more than a big head and bad skin out of that though. I also managed to bag the baddy! Yep that’s right in t...

So who am I? That’s a much more complex question than you might imagine. I hardly know. Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I’m a normal grounded young woman. But what do you know..... it turns out that I’m a weird, scatty, indecisive, dyslexic mix of about 17 different people. And none of them are grounded!! (Just to clarify I’m not actually a schizophrenic - well i hope not) So, a slightly easier question: why the Blog? It’s essentially a stolen idea (as are most I suppose) I read someone else’s and it occurred to me that maybe “Blogging” could do what no end of concentrating, educating or abuse of illicit substances managed to: organise my thoughts and chill me the fuck out. Brief history of Shivvers (That’s me): Irish, born and raised in England, grew up in the bizarrely endearing shit hole that is South London, but Bristol, that’s home for me, in my mind. That’s where I did my growing and made the best friends a girl could ever have. Currently living in Gibraltar (That’s m...